Tears for Heaven

During the dark years I learned to bottle my emotions pretty completely. Now I usually can't cry about normal things. I feel the pain, the grief, the anger... but no tears. Stupid stuff gets me. I cry at movies a lot, and feel ashamed of even that.


Last night, I felt the need to really pray. Don't get me wrong. I pray every night, but last night, I needed to lay it all out there. I've been working on a sermon about prayer, and wanted to start putting some of what I want to talk about into action.

It started out pretty standard. "Heavenly Father, thank you for this beautiful day. You are awesome and mighty Lord..." Prayer 101, you know? But as I spoke, I started to get the feeling that I wasn't controlling the words anymore. They were pouring out of me. When I got to my sins, I shot right past, "Lord, make me a better man tomorrow than I was today," and launched into a full-on confession of my sins. I couldn't stop. Then I got to my prayer list, and names kept falling out of me. Names from the church's prayer list, that I didn't even know I knew. I prayed for the Koreas, for the Middle East, for Africa... and I MEANT it. And I still couldn't stop. I asked Him to find one little child who needed help - hungry, alone, frightened, and help that one child, giving him or her my portion of His Grace, if necessary. Finally, I started winding down, thanking God for all of the gifts He's given me, and praising Him for guiding me out of the desert.

When I finished, I realized I was weeping, and had been for a while, I guess. And I felt clean. I'd been holding back, I think - giving Him the good parts of me, but keeping the bad locked away. I knew He knew about that part of me, but I was still afraid of showing it to Him. Now, it's all out there, at least between God and me.

When I started visiting my daughter's church, I commented on the fact that every time her pastor prayed, he cried. I thought it was odd... cool, but odd.

Now I understand that tears are good. They're the visible sign that you've gotten to the heart of the matter. That you've opened yourself fully to God, and let Him see you at your weakest.

I don't want to be that guy who cries at every little thing, but I hope to become a man who's not afraid to show his weakness, and cry when the situation warrants it.